In about a month and a half

I'm gonna be out in the world on my own.
Don't know how to feel about that.

I Can't

Please forget the words that I just blurted out.
It wasn't me, it was my strange and creeping doubt.
It keeps rattling my cage, and there's nothing in this world will keep it down.

Even though I might, even though I try,
I can't

So many things that keep, that keep me underground.
So many words that I, that I can never find.
If you give up on me now, I'll be gutted like I've never been before.

Even though I might, even though I try,
I can't

If you give up on me now, I'll be gutted like I've never been before.
Even though I might, even though I try,
I can't

End of the World

Go if you want to
I never tried to stop you
Know there's a reason
For all of this you're feeling
Love it's not my call
You couldn't ever love me more
You couldn't love me more
You couldn't love

Me I dont show much
It's far too hard to hide you
See in a moment
I cant remember how to
Be all you wanted
I couldn't ever love you more
I couldn't love you more
I couldn't love

You want me to cry and play my part
I want you to sigh and fall apart
We want this like everyone else

Stay if you want to
I always wait to hear you
Say there's a last kiss
For all the times you run this
Way, it's not my call
You couldn't ever love me more
You couldn't love me more
You couldn't love

Love me more
Couldnt ever love me more
I couldnt love you more
I couldnt love

You want me to lie not break your heart
I want you to sigh and fall apart
We want this like everyone else

Maybe we didn't understand
It's just the end of the
end of the world
Maybe we didn't understand
Not just a boy and a girl
It's just the end of the world

Me I dont say much
It's far too hard to make you
See in a moment
I can't remember how to
Be all you wanted
I couldnt ever love you more

mental rape

I love you Modern, but you hate me.

fuck

fuck

I Died and rose again..

Unfortunately it wasn't to save your souls.

Continuation of blog I promised to finish.

Im sick of social sheep
people who just take majority rule because .. they cant make up their own mind
people who seem to have such strong political views, but cant even tell you why
people who think that al gore could have done a better job then george bush
and they dont like Bush cause mainstream society dictates that you shouldnt
whatever if you don't support his political views or you don't agree with his actions but at least know what they were and why he did what he did.
and people who voted in KRudd because of his fucking Kevin07 slogan - John howard did more for this country then that imbecile could even think of doing.
and what kind of a society do we live in where 11/12 year old girls are beating the shit out of eachother and filming it and where there is gang and bikie warfare.. ffs. those people just need to fuckin' relax aye. I guess the will to power really is the primary force in living organisms.(research that one kiddies)

yer.. ill finish this later.. again.. lol

Here, Chiara

I hate the world

ill finish this soon <3

I have

been staring at naked people for four days
clothes are starting to seem wierd to me

I like...

the way that, when spiders die, they curl their legs into a little ball...

today

i ate brussell sprouts and drew all over my diary

tomorrow i think i'll be sporting

a ponytail on the top of my head.

I feel dirty, i need a shower. Today I drew/ painted a gnarly looking scar on my hand:



Oh yum.

Recently I like late nights and early mornings, the crisp, cold, relentless silence that lingers in the air. Being alone is something I quite enjoy.

I've been keeping myself as busy as possible, trying not to let a moment go to waste. For example, a few lunchtimes ago I made my modern history teacher an army tank made out of connector pens. Later that day I made a statue of a female bust with a mermaid tail. Today I gave myself that horrible cut painting and on saturday I got completely and irrefutably intoxicated. It's quite a wonderful life I lead, really.

I have a big problem

I have delved so far into the world of Noel Fielding, Julian Barrat and Russell Brand's comedy that I cannot get out.

HMMM Started school today, which I'm pretty cut at. I had to wake up waay to early for my liking and then try and learn shit. Can't do both at once ~ it's one or the other. Aside from the school-work part of school, it was a nice enough bit of a catchup. Another fucked up thing that happened ~ a specific person today had a weeping face. No, not tears, weeping pussing yuck face. Keep ur bandaidz on please and ur realaidz off me. yeh?

I got an okay mark in biology. Weeeell. Not really but in terms of rank it was okay.
SO DO NOT WANT MODERN BACK! other then that I don't care or remember what the exams were like.

It is exceedingly hot in here, my options are freeze my ass off or boil to death. Perhaps I'll alternate between the two and it can teach me to appreciate both atmospheric conditions more whollistically.

Funny moment of the day: Replaced the tv remote in my sleeping sisters hand with a mini sweet potato.
Slightly less funny: My sister waking up and pegging the sweet potato which then hit me and snapped in half. D:

Thats all.

Ps. I'm also secretly in love with JB. yeah. figure that one out.

Eagle Eye

I watched the movie Eagle Eye today. It has that kid from Even Stevens and Holes. It was alright in terms of action and explosions and stuff. But the basic plot line of corrupt machinery is way overdone in other government/ space orientated films.

Friday after bio day I went for pizza with Jul, Belz and Nick we had many things to laugh about even though we were only together for a short time.
That night i went to my usual Smith Night ~ you may think it's lame but we're the only people who'll never get bored of one another.
That night also, my baby girl sent me cute text messages - I smiled.

School in three days time.. Fuck that

Clones and Other things What are Similar

We had a biology lesson today at school and this is the fruits of Jessica and I's labor.
1. Explain the difference between a pair of identical twins that developed from the same fertilised egg and the two genetically identical animals produced as a result of nuclear transfer cloning.
Identical twins have all the same DNA... but also have when they’re born all the same business. Nuclear guys have the only one cell is the same so therefore if the sheep mutated then the cell is different from the sheep when it were a baby sheep. In conclusion, the twins are always the same but the sheep is different from time to time.
2. Describe how the owner of a prize cow could produce a genetically identical animal.
Cloning or also they throw them really fast so they go back in time and make themself again when they pass through certain barriers or they can jump from side to side really fast so it appears that there is two cows but in reality it is a trick of the eye.
3. Identify any benefits and any disadvantages of using nuclear transfer as a means of breeding animals.
The singular disadvantage of time-travelling cows is sometimes they can appear to come out at the wrong time slot so then will therefore be a medieval cow no a modern new age guy. Also if they are spending their days jumping they will get sick from all the organ shaking and the cows legs will either get rate buff or snap or get buff then snap. The benefit is that it you can use a catapult to what with chuck the cow.

the versitility of the common onion

waghckawaghckawaghka - i am pacman!... yeeeahh...

Sooooo, today I decided that I should start working on my HSC BOW for art. *cries silently*

The evenings efforts churned out this little number...

I think its cool but the colours look a bit off here. I tried out my airbrush and thank the lord the inks work and don't run everywhere like other things I've tried so far.
I have no idea how I'm going to communicate homosexual struggles but I think I like this style of painting...
Tonight before sleep I'm going to start on another one of these but try and get it a bit closer to its intended theme.. wish me luck (y)

Also, while I'm here, on Easter Sunday I finally watched the whole of Season One of Dexter - Its pretty awesome I must say - and yesterday I watched the whole of Season Four of The L Word.. Fuck I'm addicted. BUT I was so offended that Civic Video in Fivedock Hired out each of the 4 discs seperately with 3 episodes on each.. Fucking cost me 20 dollars to get all four, so rude but still worth feeding my need.
If anyone has season 5 please let me borrow it :D

Uhmm thats all I think?

Peace x

Poinless Reviews in a Pointless Community

So, the explanation for my last blog;;

I watched 'Miss Potter' the other day with my family. Its the movie about Beatrix Potter's life and the Peter Rabbit books and such. I was excited to watch a movie where no one has a corny romance that only reinforces my view that happiness is only found in fiction. Unfortunately they managed to squeeze one in there >_> pretty sure Beatrix' Lover's Sister was the biggest lesbian in that era.

I didn't watch the end because it seemed less about her books and more about her moustached Ewan McGreggor and because Renée Zellweger, whilst hot in Chicago, cannot pull off no makeup. She has that odd natural redness to her face that is so indicative of Miss Rice its scary. Yeah, but I love Peter Rabbit stories. Her illustrations were so cute.
The only parts I liked in the movie were the flashbacks to her childhood and the way she was a skitzo and thought the pictures and characters were real... lol... lost the plot much, Miss Potter?
Yeah and I must admit I liked when Ewan McGreggors character sang her the song featured in my last blog.

*sigh* America ruins European things. Always.

Peace.

like reflections in the lake

Let me teach you how to dance

Let me lead you to the floor

Simply place your hand in mine

And then think of nothing more

Let the music cast its spell

Give the atmosphere a chance

Simply follow where I lead

Let me teach you how to dance

examseatingawayatmysoul

SO, since Saturday I have been studying non-stop. Saturday and Monday were dedicated to Modern History, and Sunday was to Biology with Jess. I got a lot accomplished but my ass is sore from being stationary for so long. The bags under my eyes give the illusion that I've been beaten, but thankfully for me (and you, the blogging community) Modern History and Biology are both over and done with. I COULD rant for a million days on how upset I was that Modern and Bio were scheduled on the same day, but its done now, so ~ no point, right?
After every one of my Modern exams I am left with a strange feeling. I don't know if its only me or just a generally accepted effect that Modern Exams have on people, but I was left feeling as if the deepest fathoms of my soul had been dragged out, beaten and subsequently raped. Those exams leave you feeling as unsure and vulnerable as it is possible to be, to the point where your hands shake and your voice gets really high-pitched from worry.
Biology was slightly better, actually a lot better. I needed to know a lot less for the exam then what I studied, which always pisses me off. Why go to all the effort if the exam isn't gonna have a question on it? Oh well. I always seem to finish my biology exams really early, today was no different. We had two hours to do the exam and I was completely finished shortly after the first hour was up. Not to brag and say that because I finished early, its all correct and I'm mad at bio because, honestly, knowing me, I just completely missed the underlying theme of difficulty and soul-rape and only scraped at the layers of inconvenience.
All in all, I'll just have to wait and see what my results are, can't change anything now, so why worry.
My two new favourite stresses are now titled "Visual Arts exam" and "Extension History exam" both of which come into play this Friday. We'll see how I manage to cope ~ the future for me seems bad, life sucking.. such a high and irritating hill must I (and all other HSC students) climb before we reach the smooth sailing of holidays.
*sigh*

Peace.

ps. I really should update this thing more often...

most fail six hours of my life.

Obviously, I just wasn't supposed to leave my room today.
I was meant to meet up with Jess and Candy and go to Newtown today, but first I had to bath the dog - I don't know if you've seen my dog but it is huge and he has a major fear of running water. After that I got dropped to Ashfield station, bought a student ticket to Newtown and the train was coming in 8 minutes. I got on the train and after about four minutes the ticket collectors came. I gave them my ticket and the guard said, "This is a student ticket, do you have a concession card or ID" I calmly explained that I was sorry, but that I didn't have my wallet with me. The guards proceeded to hastle me telling me to, "Have a good look in my bag to see if there was some proof" that I was only 17. After about ten minutes of the collector having a go at me threatening to fine me, he asked me my date of birth and I gave it to him without a seconds delay. He finally seemed convinced and they left. It seemed all was good. Until I realised that in all this confusion the train had gone right past Newtown and I'd missed my stop. I got off at the next stop, Redfern and went to change platforms to get the train the opposite way to Newtown. Just as I got down the stairs to the platform the train closed its doors and drove away. I checked the times for the next train to Newtown but one wouldn't come for over an hour. I decided that I would just get on the train to central and then catch a bus. The only problem was that my train wouldn't be valid at central station so I would have to find some way to get passed the guards who were of course, everywhere. I attempted to walk through the wheelchair access gate but was stopped and told that I didn't have a valid ticket, the inspector said to go to platform 19 to get the train to Newtown. When I got to platform 19 there was no trains to Newtown at all and so I walked back out to the exit and simply forced open a ticket gate and legged it out of the station. Luckily, no one followed me. I walked down to where the 412 bus stops and the timetable said it would come in a few minutes. I was sure that I'd seen the 412 drive down King St passed Newtown station many times before, but of course when i asked for a ticket to Newtown the driver said that he didn't go near the station at all and that I'd have to walk up to Hay St to catch a different bus. Upon exiting the bus I realised that Hay St only had a tram line running on it, which had no stop anywhere near Newtown. By this point the shoes I was wearing had given my heel a blister that had started to bleed. I just decided that at this point I should just stop trying to get to Newtown and go home. So I walked to where the 413 stops that would take me closer to home and saw that there wasn't a bus for 40 minutes. I looked up to see that a bus to Fivedock had just stopped and decided that I would amuse myself there for a while, not wanting my parents to wonder why I had left and returned so soon. I texted Amelia and asked what she was doing and she told me to come over but only for a while because she had to go out. It was nice to see her for the hour and a bit that i was there. Only when I called my mother she said she would leave right away and come to get me. After about 20 minutes she still hadn't come so I rang her to see where she was, she hadn't left yet and said she was sorting the washing and would send Dad. So there I was being the most massive inconvenience to Amelia and her mother when they were supposed to be getting ready and going out, my parents just decided that they'd come in their own time. Of course if they'd said get the bus it would have been fine but you know. So that was completely embarrassing. Then when my dad finally did come he had a go at me because he'd been out the front for like ten minutes because he couldn't remember which house it was. As if its my fault he didn't bring his phone to ring me and tell me he was outside. Which just totally killed the happy mood Mia put me in.
So basically, I'm just going to hide in my room and never come out again.


Ps. I finished Season 3 of The L Word in two nights. Its so addictive and yet so sad. It makes me happy but then at the same time lonely. Meh. Its awesome. You people should watch it.

Peace x

i wish i may, i wish i might

school work is finally catching up with me. It just dawned on me that my art work is due in <5months. fuuuck.
im screwed for modern especially. love the subject. suck at the exams. (n) too bad for me.

birthday in 3 days, heres a few things I can think of that I want
- money, obviously
-DVD's/Series/ Box Sets of
>Scrubs
>The L Word
>Skins
>Friends
>Family Guy
>The Mighty Boosh Live (already have tv series')
-Books, i like fiction where they don't try so hard to sound clever. Fiction is good when you can paint it yourself.
-A New Pair of Silver Studs that won't go chat in the shower
-A modern history exam writing tips book
-New White Socks (size ten or thereabouts)
-Alcohol, Bacardi BacardiBacardi OR Absolut Pear
- calendar, toy story and a party hat (dw, someone is getting me those XD)
-Face Paint!!
Thats all I can think of for now. Hmm.
Anyway, Happy Hanuka
Kn'a'm Say'n'?
Peace

Dirty Deeds

DONE DIRT CHEAP!

So! Action packed times have come upon us. I have a million things to say so hopefully you won't get bored halfway through.

The other week I went on year 12 retreat for 3 days and my mind was in two places about it. One half of my mind was excited to get away from school work and family and just chill with friends and work through some of my worries.
The other half was skeptical as to wether or not there was going to be a lot of bitchiness and gossip flying around. As it turns out I had a really good time, I learnt that most of the people in my year are not at all what they seem, including a few of the teachers. I was in a group with mostly people who were practically strangers to me and getting to know them was a good process even though it was very emotionally draining. The food was disgusting but that's only to be expected.

The day after I got back, it was my Nan's 90th birthday. There was around 180 people there and I'm mildly jealous my nan has more friends than I do - hah. It was good to catch up with people I haven't seen in years and yeah.
After those festivities, Jess and I sped home to change and get ready for the Fall Out Boy concert. It was good stuff! They had sparks and lights and fireworks and flame throwers inside the Acer Arena which only made it about ten million times hotter. We danced the night away and I even got a battle wound from the mosh, which is pretty tiny but oh well!
The next day there was no time to rest because Jess and I were up bright and early for Soundwave music festival. It took us almost 4 hours to get in the effing venue but once we were in it was awesome! Highlights included : Alice in Chains, Nine Inch Nails, Billy Talent and Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. We went home sweaty, battered and gross - but happy.
The NEXT day was the school swimming carnival. My attendance was a feat of epic proportions - my body hurt so much and I didn't go in the pool at all - I had some pretty sick makeup on though so its all good.

Things I am Looking forward to:
My birthday is on the 6.3 which is next friday. I'll be 17, which in my opinion is a wierd age but nonetheless I'm excited. I'll post a wishlist in a few days.
Mardi Gras is the next night, me and some peeps are heading into the city to watch the parade and get crunk. If you want you should come and find me and we'll party all night long, wooooo. I don't think I'll be having a birthday party so party gras is my substitute. Buy me drinks please.
Also, give me costume suggestions - I don't know what to dress as

That's enough for now,
Peace

21 is 5 more then my age - but not for long

I got tagged by annabeL to make a list of 21 things about me. If you read this you're automatically tagged.

1. I'm terrible with secrets unless you specifically tell me not to say anything to anyone
2. I always start diaries and never keep them up for longer than a month at a time
3. I admire nice people so much that sometimes I cry
4. I will travel as far as I have to at any hour of the day/night to get something that i want
5. Every time I pass an intersection in the car I flinch and hold on to something in case someone crashes into us
6. I like songs that don't quite make sense and still mean the world to people
7. I really like mashed fruit as a drink
8. Sometimes I buy things i think are cool at the time but then I get scared of others thinking I am lame and I never wear them
9. I crack my knuckles mostly to gross people out and 'cause I like the feeling
10. I stopped liking hot chips one day
11. I open up solitaire all the time, decide I didn't really want to play and then close it again, only to open it again a few seconds later.
12. The clarity of my glasses frightens me sometimes
13. I can't concentrate if I feel unclean or hot so I have to go shower/wash my hands/face a lot
14. Cockroaches are the most foul things to inhabit the earth. They trigger my gag reflex and make me feel dirty(see 13) if they get too close
15. My dad thinks the accents I do are hilarious, not many others do
16. I love conversations on msn that are just song lyrics back and forth
17. I've started developing this ability to take everything I know and everything I feel and putting it into a metaphorical box, and opening the boxes when I need to
18. I'm either really shy or really loud or compensating for being shy with being loud
19. I always imagine what would happen if something about me was different or if I died
20. I have good directional skills, if I've gotten somewhere once, I'll remember how forever
21. I hate when people I don't know/like think that its okay to talk to me for anything other than exchanging information that is imperative to our survival

Peace x

and the optometrist said 'let there be sight!'

and sight was given to the young girl, and she saw that it was good.
[/biblical puns]
So yes, I got new glasses today and I'm really enjoying being able to see - Everything is so crisp and 'shiiing' (If you don't understand - that's an onomatopoeic word for the noise a sword makes when you pull it from your sheath in a valiant way).
I would have uploaded a picture of me in them, but for some reason every photo I take of myself makes me look like a vanilla rapist, no joke. So if you know me you'll have to wait untill you see me next to have a look, if you don't know me then.. it probably won't have you losing sleep at night anyway. Besides I think about one maybe two people actually read this so it doesn't matter either way.
The downside of having clear vision, is i noticed the state of my complexion and my eyebrows - both of them are an awful sight despite my best efforts and hygene. So I apologise to everyone who has to look at my eyebrows and skin - maybe if you squint I'll just blur.
That's enough for now,
Goodnight

ps. Happy Birthday Chiara

Peace x

touching on the important things

I think about this a lot, people won't understand what/ who I'm talking about but I feel it needs to be said...

To feel completely responsible for a persons life is a daunting feeling. Not a feeling of causing their life to be any particular way but just to be responsible for their being alive at all. It's not even that they asked you to care for them its just that they have no one else that's going to do it, or perhaps no one so far has had the capacity to try so hard
To feel its your unavoidable duty to be there as much as you physically can for someone is something I find hard to cope with
and yet, I find it somewhat endearing that thus far my efforts have paid off, not to suggest that my efforts were the sole cause of said persons survival but at least they're still living at all.
This person is my reason and my strength, their ability to carry on through such immense hardship is humbling for myself and all who hear their story. Without them I have no drive and no passion, no solace in which to place my heavy heart.
Recently it has come to my attention that things outside my jurisdiction have come into effect and threaten to take my baby from me. I am scared not only for them, but for myself, because without this person I worry my spirit will finally and completely break.
At this point, all I can do is cross my fingers and wait.
And honestly, the waiting game is a hard one to play.

advanced airbrushing

For Christmas my Dad got me a 2 day airbrushing course. It was on this weekend. For all you wallies who don't know what that is, its painting with a spray gun that is propelled by an air compressor.
We painted skulls, and lots of them, here are the ones I did in colour.
(Note: Colour quality is shit, they're actually much more vibrant in real life)





These are all done with 3 colours, none of which are black.

dodoodoodododododododododoooo
Peace x

Scrubs teaches life ♥

This is one of my favourite scenes in Scrubs ever.

One of the saddest too..

First Night of Festivals, Furious People and Security Scandals

Tonight was the first night of Sydney Festival Season, got to see the Cat Empire for free so that was rad. I was with a great group of people: Belly, Ellen, Kate, Calum and Nathan (Y). We did so many laps of Hyde Park it was insane, it was loud and crowded - just how I like it.

Highlights of the night included:
>Cat Empire of course - they were so good live, great all round performers
>Big Slurpees with Annabel
>Watching Nathan being unecessarily furious & eating a Mr Whippey icecream
>Photographing Calum in a womans leather jacket
>Fake fighting with Nathan and almost getting pulled apart by security
>Watching that girl with one shoe cry
>That crazy rambling dude on the train talking about Aboriginal radio stations, and how us "white c***ts" can't understand his native tongue
>Calum stacking it

Awesome night, want to do it again soon

Peace.

birthday necessities for a necessary friend

We clearly love our good friend Jess,






Happy 17th Lover